Retail giant Woolworth’s has sacked its generic accountant and gone looking for someone with brand name skills to rescue the company from dire financial misfortune.
“We foolishly thought a dull looking accountant in a non descript suit was the way to go instead of getting ourselves a flashy one,” said Woolies spokesperson Gladys Barcode. “Unfortunately our Own Brand accountant turned out to almost resemble an accountant but somehow just fell short and wasn’t quite as satisfying as a regular accountant like the ones you see advertised on the tele.”
“Because Woolies wanted us to supply them with accountants at heavily discounted prices we had to cut overheads and as a result the quality suffered,” said Becky Redink of accountant farming firm Shutdown, Bankrupt and Ruin. “We had to import in a lot of dodgy accountants from the Cayman Islands and get them onto the shelves without sending them to accounting school. No wonder Woolies can’t turn a buck.”
In response to falling sales Woolworths is thinking about trying to be more like Aldi and only stocking packets of chocolate covered wafers and hang gliders.
“We’ve done all we can to make a visit to the shop as pleasurable as possible by replacing all our staff with robots and continually hiding the location of the eggs,” said Penshurst North store manager Kyle Pricecheck. “For some reason shoppers want to go to IGA instead where they have this ridiculous innovation called ‘actual people’ to serve you.”