Peter Dutton has set fire to the last remaining shred of his humanity in an effort to convince asylum seekers that it is pointless to look at him for empathy over their treatment in offshore detention centres.

“Fortunately I only needed one match and the contents of a nearly empty cigarette lighter to do the job,” said the Minister for Immigration as the remains of his humanity smouldered in a small pile of ashes in the corner of his office. “This will certainly make it easier for me to read the Guardian, plus as an added bonus I’ll be able to kick that homeless beggar who lives outside my house square in the arse without having to feel any pangs of conscience.”

“There’ll certainly be a lot more room up in here in Peter’s head now that I don’t have to share any brain space with that little humanity twerp,” said Mr Dutton’s Ruthlessness. “Being forced to live in this tiny space without any hope of being released into a better head was starting to make me go a bit whacko. Can you imagine how hot it gets in here in the summer without much hair to protect me from the sun.”

Burning down his humanity has paved the way for Dutton to classify everyone in Nauru as an economic migrant.

“If these people get sent back to where they came from they’ll be killed, imprisoned or be suffering from the hideous mental health repercussions brought about by detention,” said Mr Dutton. “Obviously dead people don’t earn a lot of money so I can only conclude they want to live in Australia for purely economic reasons.”

Categories: News, Politics

Tags: auspol, Australia, humanity, Nauru, Peter Dutton, Refugees, self immolation