A special crack unit of the United States Secret Service has begun learning how to throw themselves out of the path of oncoming bullets meant for Donald Trump should the Republican Party nominee successfully win the November election.
“My role is to identify a threat, assess the threat and by all means possible get myself out of the line of fire,” said Secret Service agent Stan Bickle from a training camp in Virginia. “When you take on this job you accept the responsibility that one day you may have to put yourself in a position of physical danger getting yourself the hell away from the target.”
“All our operatives have been issued with uniforms covered with giant arrows pointing directly towards POTUS,” said Jane Hinkley, director of the Secret Service. “They also spend four hours a day in the gym with a gymnastics coach learning how to somersault through a crowd of civilians to a place well out of harms way. We’ve specifically recruited the nation’s best dodgeball players and fast tracked them into frontline positions.”
Agents have been reading up on the events surrounding the assassinations of Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy to make sure any mistakes made on those days are repeated.
“We’ve already bought Mr Trump balcony seats for every theatre performance in the D.C. area for the next four years,” said white house security expert Oswald Booth. “We’re now looking into scheduling a daily motorcade through Dallas in a specially modified popemobile with the bulletproof glass replaced by cling wrap.”