One thing that you could always count on after a US election was that whoever wins, Democrat or Republican, there would be a flood of media think pieces offering rapidly formulated analysis covering every conceivable angle of who won and why.
But not today.
In the aftermath of Donald Trump’s shock, poll-defying win in the US presidential election, the op-eds in the liberal media are eerily silent. The reason? Editors of liberal publications are struggling to find a single journalist sober enough to write a think piece on the meaning of Trump’s win.
An unnamed editor of a well-known liberal-leaning publication told The (un)Australian that finding a single journo on their payroll not right now in the depths of a depression-fueled drinking binge was proving near impossible.
“It’s not that I can’t get anyone to agree to write anything,” the editor said. “It’s just that what we got wasn’t really up to scratch, even by today’s hot take click-bait standards.
One piece submitted apparently read: “JESUS F*CK IT IT’S THE END TIMES! TRUMP! DONALD F*CKING TRUMP! JESUS HOW??? HE’S BACKED BY THE KKK!!! HE’S…. WE’RE F*CKING DOOMED! I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS EARTH ANY MORE!!!”
Another submitted piece simply said: “IT IS THE END TIMES! WHERE DID ALL MY GIN GO?”
Another possible factor suggested by another unnamed editor was “None of these useless bastards wants to actually put their names to articles so soon after entirely writing Trump off. Cowards are hiding behind their growing pile empties as an excuse for failing to predict how utterly uninspiring Clinton would prove to be in a nation in the midst of a social crisis caused by Clinton’s own policies.
“I mean I understand, but we have to compete against new media and the only reason we haven’t been scooped is all of Junkee and Buzzfeed’s contributors have committed mass suicide.”
On the other hand, the Murdoch media has complained of the exact opposite problem. An unnamed editor of a Murdoch tabloid said: “Miranda Devine has submitted 193 op-eds in the past 17 minutes alone and I’m refusing to even look at any emails from Andrew Bolt.
“We even got an unsolicited eyewitness account of a Trump rally by Cory Bernardi but it was just a single piece of paper faxed through that was covered in some sort of sticky white substance.”