Barnaby Joyce’s head speechwriter has confessed that he can’t start work until he’s pulled a few cones and thrown down half a dozen schooners of beer.
“Barnaby’s speeches may look disorganised and off the cuff but they are actually intricately plotted works of oration that I could never produce without getting myself completely shitfaced every day at work,” said the National Party leader’s head speechwriter Jim Garble. “For instance, yesterday Barnaby asked me to come up with some comments about drug testing welfare recipients so I immediately flamed up a scoob and ripped the scab off the top of tinnie and away I went.”
“Well obviously when I said that no-one can go to work drunk or under the influence of drugs I wasn’t talking about my own speechwriting team,” said Mr Joyce. “We’d never have come up with the whole ‘let’s move a government department to Armidale’ thing if we weren’t ripped to our tits on Mullumbimby Madness and half a keg.”
“I’m a great supporter of Australian agricultural products, especially the stuff they grow out the back of Nimbin.”
Mr Garble has been to see his dealer “Doggo” and stopped off at BWS to pick up a carton of Bundy and Coke in preparation of writing a speech explaining why the inland rail project will be unexpectedly rerouted through Armidale, Port Hedland and Tenterfield.