A terrified Kim Jong Un has begun dismantling his nuclear weapons stockpile after learning that Australia’s acting Prime Minister possesses a death stare capable of reaching Pyongyang.
“We can neither confirm nor deny that Australia is responsible for the death stare that flew over the northern half of the Korean peninsula on Monday night before falling harmlessly into the Sea of Japan,” said a statement from the Department of Foreign Affairs. “However, we suggest that Kim Jong Un pull his head in or else we may be forced to focus both of Julie’s beady little eyes in his direction.”
“The Great Leader knows the death stare will be put back in its holster once Malcolm Turnbull returns from his overseas trip but he will be anxiously watching the results of the next four Newspolls,” said a source from inside North Korea. “If Australia becomes fully death stare capable it will challenge the balance of power in the whole Pacific region and may force Kim to drop his nuclear program and go back to trying to improve his mini golf scores.”
Recent tests of the death stare have proven that it can reach across the Tasman Sea to New Zealand, making it Australia’s most lethal facial expression since Peter Costello’s smirk was shown to have a range of several hundred kilometers during tests at Maralinga in the 1960s.
“We are hoping to equip our new submarine fleet with the death stare,” said a spokesperson for the Royal Australian Navy. “This will allow us to replace our aging stock of Paul Keating insults which have been the backbone of Australia’s defence since the mid 1980s.”