Desperately Seeking Latham


Former Opposition Leader and full-time mother, Mark Latham has been appointed the new President of the National Housewife’s Association of Australia. There has been a collective scream of relief from many housewives around Australia. ‘I am so thrilled Mark has come on board,’ said outgoing President, Lucy Diamond. ‘By telling all of us to shut up, he’s given us a voice.’

Mr. Latham has been a housewife for the last ten years and knows what it is like to manage a family budget on a parliamentary pension, free travel and book deals. ‘The response I’ve had from telling women around Australia to shut up has been massive,’ he said as he exited his government-chauffeured car. ‘All they want is to be heard and when I’ve told them that they don’t, they’ve been so grateful.’

Mr. Latham is calling all housewives to arms to fight what he calls a scourge of inner city leftie feminists ruining everything from our children to our cocktail parties to our queues at the chemist. ‘None of our chemists are safe, full of these women wanting to get high on prozac and talk about how they are not coping.’ Mr Latham said the best drugs are his children’s smiles; gourmet -cooking and a good dose of ‘shut the fuck up.’

‘I have Donna Hay on speed dial, I have my servants bringing in produce from my two acre country garden and I have my wife and children who I all tell to shut up.’ It is believed that Mr. Latham through his presidency will be releasing a new range pressure cookers for the home as well as books for the quiet housewife, including ‘Putting The Apron Back On: A Journey Into Mark Latham’s Pantry’, ‘Mother Latham Knows Best’, and the soon to be released guide for young mothers, ‘Shut Up by Mark Latham.’


John Cahill

 Twitter: @johnbcahill

Categories: Opinion, Politics

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