The (un)Australian’s Step-By-Step Guide To Destroying Your Google Search History

computer

Rosebudding; it’s not just a technique used by Wilson Tuckey to enrage Paul Keating via burning his favourite childhood toy. It’s also a fantastic new trend taking our youth by storm. Not familiar with it? Why not Google it? We can wait…

Now you have something you need erased from your internet history.

This should be second nature to any man who has managed to keep a girlfriend, but what you may not be aware of is that Google is also keeping a record of your search history. For customer satisfaction of course!

Imagine getting your illegal and sinful completely legal and pious search results slightly quicker and receiving better recommendations that will condemn you to Hell all the faster be of interest to you. You can also download your entire search history for all those precious searching memories.

While having the ability to download your entire search history may have you excited to relive the time you Google searched for pirated copies of Game of Throne episodes, there are probably some of you out there who are not excited to have a huge database of your searches so easily compiled.

So if you’re a pirater, pervert, drug fiend, internet stalker, man, or the person Tony Abbott will pin the blame on if his search history ever becomes public, the (un)Australian has compiled a handy step-by-step guide for destroying your Google search history.

Step 1: Go to Google’s history page. Remember the time you searched for extra large onesies? Why wouldn’t you want a record of that?

Step 2: Click on the gear and go to settings. Fun fact: my favourite gear is the double helical, though you’re probably more familiar with its street name, the herringbone.

Step 3: Turn off web & app history. This will stop Google from telling you it’s tracking your history.

Step 4: Return to your history and remove all items. Like any crime scene, don’t leave anything as a clue. That’s why the Riddler always gets caught.

Step 5: Unplug your computer and smash it with a hammer. Do NOT Google where to buy a hammer.

Step 6: Throw your computer in the river. We recommend Cowriga Creek, its misleading name will confuse Google and anyone else interested in your search history.

Step 7: Set the river on fire. This can be done by contaminating the river with flammable methane. If you struggle to locate enough, just start fracking in the area.

Step 8: Change your identity. We recommend assuming the identity Jackson Hardbody. It sounds so cool.

By following these steps, you should be able to mitigate the harm of your search history. However, the (un)Australian recommends that after you follow these steps that you cease praying to Mecca, otherwise the Government’s new data retention laws will make this effort all for naught.

Matthew Farthing is the IT reporter for The (un)Australian. He is the creator of the Panhandler app, which after being downloaded, begins sending notifications to your phone requesting you give the creator money. He has begun licensing the patent to all Freemium games for Android and iPhone.

https://twitter.com/MattJFarthing

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