US Senate Defeats Climate Change Threat In 50-49 Vote

By theunozblog on 05/05/2015

For a while, before the US Senate vote, it looked like the melting ice caps might have been a concern.

The world heaved a big sigh of relief after hearing the US Senate narrowly voted down a motion declaring climate change a real phenomena caused by humans.

The 50-49 Senate vote that defeated the climate change threat has been widely welcomed in the face of overwhelming scientific evidence suggesting a growing climate change crisis — viewed as almost a great a threat to human civilisation as Chelsea winning the English Premiers League, a terrible fate that came to pass after the US Senate tragically failed to vote on the matter.

From Californians who’ve been told their state has one-year’s drinking water left, to residents of Vanuatu trying to rebuild from the strongest storm to ever hit the Pacific island nation, the streets have been overrun with wild celebrations at what, until the Senate vote, had appeared a potentially all-powerful foe.

But perhaps the most important result of the vanquishing of the global warming monster by the Republican-controlled Senate was the impact it has had on the Earth itself. Almost immediately, reports indicate the Arctic ice sheets began regrowing, the Siberian methane blowholes disappeared and agricultural lands damned by drought in recent years turned green and fertile.

But tragically, as a relieved human race danced in the streets with joy, a previously unnoticed technical glitch in the US’s nuclear weapons storage program caused a chain reaction setting off the launch codes for thousands of these still-active nukes, sending them hurling towards eastern Europe, setting the stage for a certain catastrophe that will set off counters strikes and begin a terrible nuclear holocaust.

However, as panic spread, the White House issues a press release to reassure the human race that President Barack Obama was due to issue an Emergency Executive Decree to declare that the coming nuclear holocaust was “not real” or “caused by humans”, thus saving all life on the planet from one of the most horrendous fates imaginable.

In response, the Republican-controlled Senate voted to impeach the president for his cowardice in the face of Russian aggression.

Carlo Sands
http://www.twitter.com/carlosands

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