Last night, Australia said good bye to another Prime Minister as the Liberal party room voted for Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull over Tony Abbott in a text-book example of democracy. But what were the events that lead us to this outcome and who is the man Peter Dutton considers his best friend?
Anthony John Abbott was born on the 4 November 1957, in London, England. In the news at the time, the Sun reported that Paul Anka had topped the charts with his song Diana and locals had sighted an ominous blood moon.
Few people could have predicted that this child would grow up to be future Prime Minister Tony Abbott, outside of three witches in Scotland. In honour of “Pig-Iron Tony” as he preferred to be known, the (un)Australian has put together a list of all the highs and lows of Mr Abbott’s short term as Prime Minister.
7 September 2013 – Abbott wins election;
The Coalition takes power after 6 years of Labor rule. Political commentators chalk the win up to Abbott’s slogan; “Asylum Seekers want to eat our Children.”
During his victory speech, Abbott announces that his victory signals that “Australians are sick of ineffective leadership and backstabbing power struggles,” dialogue future tv critics reviewing the 2018 telemovie The Abbott Years would criticise as “on the nose”.
13 September 2013 – New cabinet;
Tony Abbott solidifies his crack team of cabinet ministers. Abbott introduces a meritocracy system, in which he qualifies for both Ministers for Women and for Indigenous Affairs, two groups that weren’t previously represented by “Prime Minister”.
Despite his best efforts, a woman still manages to sneak her way onto the front bench.
18 November 2013 – Indonesian spying scandal;
It is revealed that the previous Labor government had attempted to spy on then Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono and his wife. Prime Minister Abbott remains tight lipped as former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd calls Mr Abbott’s office to remind him that “snitches get stitches.”
17 February 2014 – Death on Manus Island;
Reza Barati dies as a result of an incident on Manus Island. Later reports reveal that Mr Barati suffered “cardiac arrest” after experiencing “severe head trauma” inflicted by G4S security at the detention centre. Mr Abbott touted that he had “stopped the deaths at sea”, trapping critics in a semantics puzzle as Mr Barati did indeed not die at sea.
10 April 2014 – Compassionate Conserv-cat-ism;
After finding a stray tabby on the grounds of Parliament House, Prime Minister Abbott adopts the cat as his own. He names the cat “Mr Mittens” and can often be found teasing the cat with a piece of yarn.
13 May 2014 – Loss in the family;
Mr Mittens is found dead, hanging from a scratching post with a tiny belt around his neck. The coroner rules it a “very cute suicide”.
17 July 2014 – Repeal of the carbon tax;
The Coalition succeeds at repealing the carbon tax, fulfilling a major election promise, a process Abbott shows little interest in repeating. Women across Australia rejoice as the electricity bills from all that ironing they love doing so much becomes slightly cheaper.
5 September 2014 – New suit;
Tony Abbott is spotted wearing a new suit. He looks good.
9 December 2014 – Medicare stays the same;
The Abbott government drops its controversial plan to charge a $7 co-payment after a study commissioned by the Senate reveals that the poor and the sick still retain the right to vote.
26 January 2015 – Knighthood;
Tony Abbott appoints Prince Phillip as a knight. Mr Abbott is immediately ridiculed as most Australians agree that knighting a prince is a far greater issue affecting Australia than global warming, education reform or domestic violence.
Mr Abbott begins to realise that the old crone’s curse is coming true.
9 February 2015 – Leadership spill;
After speculation of a leadership spill, Tony Abbott survives the day when a motion for a leadership vote is defeated 61 to 39. The vote ends in Tony’s favour after the Prime Minister selects a pair of plain tweezers from a room populated with gold and jewel encrusted hair plucking accessories.
“Only the true leader of the Liberal Party would know that Robert Menzies shaped his eyebrows with the most fiscally conservative pair of tweezers,” Scott Morrison later informed the (un)Australian.
This ends all leadership speculation forever.
22 April 2015 – High score;
Tony enters Parliament House to discover someone’s had gotten every top score on Pac-Man and spelled their initials “A-S-S”.
12 May 2015 – Budget 2.0;
After the Coalition’s first, controversial budget, the government plays it safe, announcing a budget with very few surprises. Abbott touts forcing job seekers to wait 6 months in order to qualify for the dole, not realising that he too would soon become unemployed.
2 August 2015 – The Speaker resigns;
Bronwyn Bishop resigns as speaker of the house after become embroiled in an expenses scandal. It is revealed that Ms Bishop spent $5,000 chartering a private helicopter, a move that angers the South Australian submarine industry.
Tony is photographed kissing the exiting speaker. Opposition Leader Bill Shorten later criticises the Prime Minister;
“The speaker absolutely had to resign, but there was no need for the Prime Minister to punish her that severely.”
12 August 2015 – Party politics;
Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull hosts the soiree of the season. Tony’s invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.
14 September 2015 – The end of an era;
Tony “Bulletproof” Abbott is felled by Mr Turnbull, causing Australians to question why we even have elections in the first place. The result coincides with Andrew Bolt’s, Tim Blair’s and Chris Kenny’s allergies all flaring up around the same time.
Mr Abbott exits the season with 77 field goals from 213 attempts and a .618 free throw percentage.
15 September 2015 – The end of an era;
Malcolm Turnbull arrives at Parliament House to find an empty scotch bottle on his new desk and 10 voice mail messages of the former Prime Minister singing Alanis Morissette.
Matthew Farthing is the Political Editor for the (un)Australian. He once again wishes to express empathy for Joan Baez who was booked to do Q&A before realising she would have to talk to Tony Jones.