Fan Demands Selectors Pick Sheffield Shield Cricketers He’s Never Seen Play


An Australian cricket fan is stridently demanding that the selectors drop Shaun Marsh, Mitch Marsh and Peter Siddle from the test team and replace them with a bunch of interstate cricketers he only knows about from the scores he’s seen in the newspaper.

“I can’t believe these incompetent selectors haven’t picked Cameron Bancroft, who I wouldn’t know from a bar of soap and for all I know bats with his knob,” said fervent Australian cricket supporter Merve Offstump of Cow Corner, Victoria. “And how about giving Nathan Couter-Nile a go. His bowling style might be lobbing them in underarm like granny at a picnic but his figures are outstanding. Klinger, Ferguson, Maddinson, Cutting. The list goes all the way back to Jamie Siddons who must be the best player never to play for Australia that I never saw play.”

“We only travel around the country watching every first class game so we don’t have the advantage that Merve has of being able to click onto Cricinfo and look up everyone’s averages to pick the team,” admitted current test selector Trevor Hohns. “Being able to watch these guys play firsthand is obviously clouding our judgement. If it was up to me I’d do this job without leaving the house.”

The selection panel have long complained about having to use a complicated system of conference calls to share information about potential additions to the team.

“We’d much rather use a system of hanging out in a bar and being told by passing yobbos who we should be picking,” said chairman of selectors Rod Marsh. “It’d save us all from a lot of boring days watching cricket at Bellerive Oval. The current mediocre form of Australian cricket takes us all back to the glory days of the mid 1980s when we all knew that Mick Taylor was a much better batsman that we’d only read about than Greg Ritchie.”

Peter Green

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