The world’s climate scientists have responded to the release of a major new report by collectively resolving to spend the rest of their time, before global warming-induced eco-holocaust renders human civilisation unsustainable, getting really, really drunk.
“We’ve just gotten sick of putting out the same evidence-based warnings of the extreme seriousness of the situation,” President of the World Association of Climate Scientists Jenny Alarming told The (un)Australian. “None of you bastards ever listen! Honestly, how many more ‘unprecedented extreme weather events’ and record-breaking temperatures do you actually need? For god’s sake, last year Tasmania was on fire!
“Oh you all say you take it seriously, and mouth platitudes and then governments sign an agreement that actually amounts to allowing major polluting nations to increase emissions and you all cheer like a major victory as Pacific Islanders start planning where they’ll be moving to in coming decades as rising waters swallow their homelands!
“So bugger it, we tried. We’ll be at the bar consuming as much booze as we can before climate change-induced shortages of the ingredients needed to mass produce alcohol kick in.”
However, many in the climate science community have drawn the line at a new drinking game taking more hardcore sectors by storm. According to some sources, a minority of climate scientists have developed a “highly dangerous” drinking game in which climate scientists take a shot every time the Australian government approves a new coal mine.
“Look, most of us just want a good time while we can get it,” Ms Alarming said of the majority attitude in the climate science community towards the drinking game. “We are not actually suicidal. Anyone who takes part in this game will struggle to last till April.”