The world is facing a climate emergency after figures released by security listening agency Echelon revealed that in February people used the phrase “How about this heat” a record 1.5% times above the average.
“Our scanning of intercepted phone conversations, emails and text messages showed an alarming and unprecedented rise in people saying ‘How about this heat’ and associated phrases such as ‘Hot enough for you’ and ‘There’s supposed to be a cold change coming’,” said UKUSA Security Agreement analyst George Smiley. “The amount of conversations people had about having to turn the pillow over so they could rest their heads on the cool side was also the highest since we started keeping records in 1850.”
“The amount of guys walking around in just a singlet rose 0.21% above the 1955 to 1980 baseline, incontrovertible evidence of human produced global warming,” said Julie Cumulonimbus from the Weather Underground website. “World governments need to take immediate action to meet 2015 Paris Agreement targets of a 10% reduction in panting dogs lying flat out in shady spots.”
Not everyone is convinced that the rise in people saying “How about this heat” is a result of man-made production of greenhouse gasses.
“How do we know that people aren’t just proud of the new lounge chairs they’ve bought and are actually saying ‘How about this seat’,” said columnist Andrew Bolt. “Granted I did spontaneously burst into flames when I went outside yesterday but that thing used to happen all the time back in the 1970s I’m sure and if I reckon it did then that’s good enough for me.”