Malcolm Turnbull has begun the process of buttering up the independent candidates he may require to form government by phoning Cathy McGowan and praising her work as lead singer of The Pogues.
“I got my butler to phone her up as soon as the result started looking close and I told her how much better her teeth are looking these days,” said the PM. “I even cracked a funny about them being one of my favourite indie bands, get it, indie bands. Because Indi… ah never mind.”
“His Excellency Malcolm asked me to put together a Spotify playlist of all The Pogues songs he’d heard of including “Dirty Old Town”, “The Band Played Waltzing Matilda” and that other one about the pisshead couple having a barney on Christmas Day,” confirmed Mr Turnbull’s valet Sir Gielgud Jeeves. “He also asked me to put together a list of handy weather forecasting terms to drop into the conversation for when he gets in touch with the member for Dennison, Alan Wilkie.”
Tony Abbott has offered his counselling on how to negotiate with independents, gained from when he found himself in a similar position following the 2010 election. It’s not known if Mr Turnbull will follow Mr Abbott’s advice of threatening to hold their heads in a bucket of water until they agree to vote for him.
Bill Shorten has scoffed at the Prime Minister’s efforts to ingratiate himself with the prospective member for Indi.
“I’m way ahead of Mr Turnbull in getting into Cathy McGowan’s good books,” said the Labor leader. “I’m off the video store to borrow all six seasons of Charmed.”