Surf lifesaver’s from the Cronulla Surf Club have confirmed that a lone swimmer seen backstroking a kilometre off the beach is former Australian Prime Minister Harold Holt.
“He’s got a couple of bluebottle stings and his skin has gone all wrinkly from being in the water for the past 49 years but other than that he seems quite fit,” said lifesaver Damian Lifebuoy as he paddled back to the shore after reconnoitring with Mr Holt. “He asked if someone who lives near the shore could leave a light on their front porch to help guide him safely to the beach, and also for a towel.”
“I’m very picky about the waves I like to catch into shore and I’m afraid none of the waves that have gone past me since 1967 have been worthy of a Prime Minister,” said Holt who went missing off Cheviot Beach after going swimming without waiting the full thirty minutes after eating his lunch. “How has Australian politics been getting on without me? I hope that spotty git John Howard never rose to a position of power.”
Residents of the Shire took time out from looking up directions on how to get to ANZ Stadium and googling “What is a Grand Final” to flock down to the beach with binoculars hoping to get a glimpse of Mr Holt.
“He was just about to catch a wave in to shore when up popped a Chinese submarine and whisked him away,” said disappointed Shire man Paul Hamburger. “I guess I’ll go back home and put another longlife bulb in the porch light.”