As the Internet teaches us, there are clear cut personality types with their own very real struggles only other members of that type could possibly understand.
We’ve read all about the all-too-real struggles of Introverts (the most sensitive people in the Known Universe), Extroverts (the most fun, exciting people in all history), and even Ambiverts (an abomination before God).
But what about those of us who are the most bloodthirsty ever? What about us full-blown psychopaths?
We face a lot of ignorance. The media often relies on lazy stereotypes when dealing with psychopaths, so you may mistakenly believe we are all mass murderers, torturers or bank CEOs. It just isn’t true! Some of us also run large oil companies!
Whether you know or it or not, you probably know and may even be in an intimate relationship with a psychopath, particularly if your name is Ivana Trump. To help you better understand us, and increase your chances of staying alive, below are six things you should never, ever say to a psychopath.
1) ‘Why are you carrying that machete?’
Yes we know we’re carrying a machete and it’s dripping blood! Psychopaths find social interaction difficult and lashing out with a deadly weapon is a common defence mechanism. The machete doesn’t mean we hate you. It just means we’re constantly weighing up whether or not to butcher you.
Respect is important, so keep in mind that pointing to the deadly weapon in a psychopath’s twitching hand is basically like asking a disabled person why they’re in a wheelchair or asking someone what their false leg is for. It’s not just rude, it’ll likely shorten your life expectancy.
2) ‘Why do you kill people?’
It might be well-intended, but this one can offend, even enrage, a psychopath.
For the record, it’s kinda how we recharge our batteries. Generally, non-psychopaths find the act of brutally butchering another human to be a draining activity, after which they will often need a decent rest, or even a long holiday on a different continent with a new identity.
Psychopaths, on the other hand, find the act of slaughter to be exhilarating and energising. It really gets the blood flowing (haha bad pun!)
3) ‘Where do you bury all the bodies?’
This one’s a big “no-no”. No psychopath will want to answer, partly for legal reasons and partly because each psychopath’s burial ground is a deeply personal space. For many of us, the place we bury our victims is one of the few places we can ever really truly feel at peace.
4) ‘ARGH! YOU’RE SLASHING MY LIMBS! MY GOD, THE PAIN!’
Yes, sometimes we start hacking away at people when we get anxious, especially if someone has just asked where the bodies are buried. Often we won’t even realise we are doing it!
Don’t embarrass a psychopath by pointing this out in a public situation. The best procedure is to wait for a quiet moment to discreetly raise the matter and explain, gently and carefully, your negative feelings towards having your limbs hacked to pieces.
5) ‘You’re under arrest.’
This is pretty much the most offensive thing you can say to a psychopath, yet you’d be shocked at how many times psychopaths hear these words in 2017!
And all too often the offending comment seem to come from police officers. It seems our police forces are well overdue for a bit of “psychopath sensitivity training”!
6) ‘Hey, psycho!’
The term “psycho” is generally recognised by the psychopath community as a negative slur, and using it may put you at risk of an especially bloody reprisal.
While each psychopath is different, and the connotations may vary from region to region, other terms it is wise to avoid include “crazed killer”, “deranged lunatic”, “freak”, “murderous loon”, “serial killer”, “monster”, “The Butcher”, “blood-stained axe-wielding maniac”, “The Spawn of Satan” and “The Very Personification of Pure Evil”.
Also generally unacceptable are “the suspect”, “the accused” or “the defendant” (see point five).
Hopefully this guide will help you show greater sensitivity towards the psychopath in your life, and potentially extend your life expectancy.