Cricket Australia Boss James Sutherland today announced that the Australian cricket team would not be shaking hands with the English team at the end of the remaining Magellan Ashes test matches. Instead the Aussie players would be headbutting the opposition before leaving the field.
Look, it’s about cultural sensitivity, said a contrite Sutherland. Jonny Bairstow has told us that headbutting is a cultural tradition where he comes from. We were unaware of that and it’s led to an unfortunate incident. Davey Warner crossed a line by mocking Jonny’s culture and that’s embarrassing for us. We’ve spoken to Davey and the rest of the guys and they know it’s not acceptable to sledge an opposition player using any sort of cultural reference.
Australian captain Steve Smith has told us the changes wouldn’t be restricted to post-game congratulations.
“Yeah we’re trying to do the right thing here. When Joe Root and I toss the coin before a match we’ll follow that up with a nice firm forehead bump, and if one of the Poms scores a century, you can rest assured our guys will all be rushing in, caps off, ready to smash noggins.” said an enthusiastic Smith. “We’ll still shake hands with the umpires at the end of the match, unless we have an English umpire, in which case we’ll do the right thing and give ‘em a good bonking.”
Sutherland is investigating other cultural issues they might need to take into account to maintain good diplomatic relations with the visiting English team. “We’re leaving no stone unturned. That Moeen Ali guy looks a touch Muslim so we’ll consider renaming the Boxing Day test something generic like the ‘Late December test’. You can’t be too sure these days.