Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce held a press conference early this morning to announce the establishment of an avian park in the airspace directly above his Canberra office; the first and apparently only residents, a flock of vultures.
Speaking on the Parliament House lawn while wearing an “I’m Not Embattled, You’re Embattled” t-shirt, Mr Joyce outlined his hope that his issues, which multiplied so quickly over the last few days that the CSIRO has officially classified them as a pandemic, would not “distract from the conservation effort my purely platonic staff have undertaken – begun! Begun. Nothing about undertakers. Begun, I meant.”
Giving the vultures room to circle is being claimed as the first stage of an effort by the Nationals leader to conserve species considered unpleasant by the general public. “Just because they’re not a native species and many people find them repugnant doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the chance to live and thrive”, Mr Joyce said before heading back into Parliament House at a brisk pace, waving a rolled-up newspaper above his head.
When asked about Mr Joyce’s recent bad press, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull – due to leave for the US next week, where he will attend an international conference on rock-solid alibis – said “there will always be a place in cabinet for someone as talented as Barnaby.”