Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony Deeply Controversial For Everyone Called Pauline Hanson


The Commonwealth Games’ opening ceremony has excited great controversy among all Australians named Pauline Hanson, with one Pauline Hanson taking to Sky News to express outrage at the limited opportunities to generate cheap publicity with feigned outrage.

“I mean honestly, I had to get my knickers in the knot about a few Aboriginal people on stage for a few minutes, which even by my standards is stretching it,” this particular Ms Hanson told The (un)Australian. “I mean there were more Blackfellas outside protesting the thing, but I had to go with something for my Sky News interview and I was pretty desperate after Bernardi stole all my ‘you can’t call it Easter any more’ material.”

Meanwhile, Games organisers hit back at criticism over the hours-long wait for buses suffered by Games attendees after Wednesday’s opening ceremony, claiming there was no way they could have known anyone would actually turn up.

Some attendees were forced wait hours for buses, while others were stranded until past midnight. But Commonwealth Games Chair Peter Beattie insisted there were no warning signs that these Games, involving the very best athletes from a pretty random selection of nations that were once victims of violent British colonialism, could actually draw a crowd.

“I mean sure, the stats suggested a few tickets had been pre-sold, but I just assumed that was a computer glitch. God knows who these people were, I mean how many relatives does the women’s swim relay team actually have?”

“It is not like anyone on the Gold Coast has ever shown any inclination to actually watch sport before,” Mr  Beattie mused. “They had to can their A-League side due to rubbish attendance, and almost no ones turns up for Gold Coast Suns matches, not even Gary Ablett last year and he was their captain.”

Carlo Sands

You can check out our new show Decennium Horribilius at this year’s Sydney Comedy Festival. Hosted by The (un)Australian, the quiz show features teams of some of Sydney’s best comics trying to answer questions about the decade of the 1990s — with prizes for the audience.

Saturday May 5, 5.30pm. The Factory Theatre. Book tickets here.

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Categories: Sport

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