Australia Takes Two Week Break From Being Crap At Cricket To Enjoy Being Crap At Tennis


Australia has tucked away the recent woeful form of its cricket team and is ready to kick back beside the telly for a couple of weeks of delighting in how dismal its tennis players are.

“The middle of January is a special time of year where the streets are free of traffic, whatever hayseed currently is in charge of the National Party is the Prime Minister and we get to be disappointed by Ashleigh Barty crashing out in the third round against a qualifier from Bhutan,” said Aussie sports fan Doug Lamington. “An added bonus this year is we can actually put a face to John Millman when we hear that he’s been beaten in round one on an outer court at Rod Laver Arena that’s closer to Wonthaggi than it is to the Melbourne CDB.”

“You could give me any Slavic first name and a random combination of consonants and tell me that’s the name of the current number one women’s player and I’d believe you,” said Bendigo sporting tragic Allyssa Beetroot. “Sam Stosur is in a bit of form so I hope she has enough points on her Rydge’s card to afford a hotel room in Melbourne for the second week otherwise she can doss down on my lounge room floor.”

Yellow and green zinc cream faced members of the “Fanatics” are drooling in anticipation at a rematch of this week’s game between Bernard Tomic and Nick Kyrgios, which ended in a draw after Kyrgios got a crick in his neck watching Tomic toss the ball up for the first serve of the game, an action that strained Tomic’s ball tossing wrist.

“If Geoff Marsh has any more sons I hope one of them picks up a tennis racket and makes an appearance on Margaret Court Arena getting pillocked in straight sets by Jack Sock,” said Geraldton holiday maker Sid Roofrack. “Maybe Dave Warner can give Alicia Molik a few tips on applying sandpaper to the rougher side of the tennis ball to make it swing a bit late in the second set.”

Peter Green

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