The performance of the English cricket team on the West Indies tour has been so diabolical that the Barmy Army has had to resort to conscription to force fans to travel to watch the team play.
“All able bodied 18 year olds will have to register for the draft and if your number is drawn we’ll kit you out with sunscreen and a song sheet and put you on the first plane to the Caribbean,” said recruitment officer Ted Chip-Butty. “Obviously you have to pass the medical exam and those with dodgy livers won’t be accepted.”
Thousands of conscientious objectors who appreciate good cricket are fleeing the country, fearful that a no deal Brexit will close the borders for good, forcing them to take refuge in Scotland.
“I’ve seen things man, awful things,” said an unnamed deserter playing Russian Roulette in a seedy bar deep in the back streets of Kingston Jamaica. “Every time I hear the sound of a Mexican Wave starting I get flashbacks to that batting collapse in the first test. The horror… the horror.”