Barnaby And The Bonk Ban
My time as Prime Minister saw me saddled with Barnaby Joyce, the leader of the Nationals as my deputy Prime Minister. Of course, the divine and somewhat sublime Julie Bishop was my party’s deputy, however due to the Coalition agreement, Barnaby was in charge when I was overseas or otherwise indisposed.
Initially, Barnaby and I worked like a well oiled machine. He was Bloom to my Bialystock, the Guildenstern to my Rosencrantz. Gilligan to my Skipper, for the less well read amongst you.
However, this was not to last long. Barnaby Joyce has been described as the best retail politician in Australia. After working in close quarters with the man, I now see why retail confidence is at an all time low.
My troubles with Barnaby first started when it was revealed that he was a victim of Section 44 of the Constitution. Barnaby it seems, was eligible for New Zealand citizenship through his father and hadn’t fully renounced this prior to being elected to parliament.
I feel like such a fool in not doing my due diligence on Barnaby. I mean, it was obvious wasn’t it? He always did sing along with a bit too much gusto to ‘Slice of Heaven’ by Dave Dobbin when it came on the radio. Of course he was a bloody kiwi!
We managed to get through this debacle with Barnaby somehow retaining his seat, whilst at the same time losing his pants.
You see Mr Joyce unbeknownst to myself had been having an extra marital affair with a staffer and had impregnated them.
When I found this out, I was so white-hot with rage, I could barely quaff my brandy. I immediately called a press conference to condemn Barnaby or, as some of the wags in the media had started calling him, ‘the Beetrooter’ and announced a ban on ministers sleeping with their staff. A bonk ban as it became known.
This decision did not go down well, and led to some heated discussions between Barnaby and myself. I shan’t go into to much detail on those discussions, as they are somewhat private. However, I will share with you dear readers one witty exchange.
Barnaby got quite animated in one argument that occurred, and in a fit of rage he turned and told me to go and procreate with myself (well he used language more colourful than that, but I’m writing this in the penthouse not the gutter), to which I replied: “Why Barnaby, as a minister of the government I am unable to do that, as it breaches the bonk ban.”
I chuckled, my staff chuckled, however Barnaby decided that this was as good a time as any to make an exit and hurled a chair as he did so.”
*Malcolm Turnbull’s book A Bigger Picture will be released in all good book stores Monday, April 20th. It will also be discussed vigorously and robustly on talk back radio from Friday, April 17th.
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