Manspreading Compulsory Under New Social Distancing Law


The government has introduced a new $10,000 fine for passengers who don’t manspread on buses and trains in a bid to slow down the transmission of the coronavirus.

“Any person who sits down on public transport and doesn’t whack their thighs out and show off their hairdo will be asked to explain themselves,” said Superintendent Neville Stubby, head of the Manspreading Enforcement Unit. “We’ll take a dim view of anyone caught without an overflowing sports bag taking up at least one and a half seats worth of bumspace.”

Manspreaders around Australia are overjoyed at finally being recognised for the public service they have been providing.

“Cometh the hour, cometh the manspreader,” said Keith Aggott, double-chairman of the Australian Manspreaders Association. “We’re willing to provide lessons in how to push a sweaty kneecap into someone else’s personal space, and even throw in the secret of how to leave a nut hanging out the side of your shorts.”

Qantas have employed a crack team of the blithely social ignorant to act as consultants on their seat layout plan.

“We’ll be able to provide a safe flight for anyone fearing catching the virus by spacing the seats one fully sprawled hairy, smelly body length apart from each other,” said Alan Joyce. “We simply let the manspreaders into an empty plane armed with freshly bought kebabs and they devised a socially distant seating arrangement that even the most powerful computer algorithm couldn’t match.”

Peter Green

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