All coffee served in Australia’s hipster cafes has been International Roast™ the whole time, confessed the nations baristas in a tear soaked press conference yesterday.
“The Belizian Misty Mountain, the Los Pelotas Kilimanjaro Cascara, even the one that allegedly has to get eaten by a civet cat and then shitted out first; all International Roast™,” admitted barista Seth Topknot from Chippendale cafe The Unicycle Of Life. “Every morning the boss makes us tip barrels of International Roast™ into small anonymous looking paper bags and sell them off as exotic blends.”
“We would have got away with it forever if a regular person from the western suburbs hadn’t accidentally wandered in and bought a cup of our Rio Pendejo blend and spat it out straightaway demanding to know what’s this shit,” said Marrickville barista Harper Pearce-Septum. “All our regular customers are too scared to admit that they couldn’t taste the subtle aromas of orange blossom and custard apple that we jokingly reckon they should be experiencing.”
The hipster cafe industry also admitted to using secret cutting edge technology to alert its baristas to the name and favourite order of its regular customers.
“We purposely put weird-ass knick knacks up on the walls so that customers look towards them as they enter the shop,” said Petey Rastabeanie from Pyrmont cafe Bean There Done That. “This allows us to scan their eyes and send information about who they are and what they like to drink to a hidden screen just below the counter top. After all, there’s nothing these wankers like better than boasting to their mates about how their favourite barista knows their name and preference for a jam jar of Columbian El Perdedor Decaf.”
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