Hot Rich White People Gather For Annual Conference

Hot White Rich People at last year's conference.

Hot White Rich People at last year’s conference.

The hottest richest white people on the planet are gathering in Hollywood this morning to congratulate themselves on another year of showing the rest of the world how accurate Karl Marx’s predictions were.

The annual conference is held in downtown Hollywood at the Kodak Theatre, where the rich hot white people will arrive via stretched limousines, chewing up enough atmosphere to keep the hole in the ozone layer going until the 25th Star Wars film is made. Poor non-white people will then help the rich hot white people onto the red carpet where they wander for miles to discuss the hundreds of thousands of dollars they just spent on their nickers with someone holding a microphone who would also like to be a rich hot white person. It is then a requirement for each rich hot white person to remark, ‘Look I’m just like everyone else,’ then stepping away, readjusting the 2 million dollars around their neck and laughing like they are on crack.

Awards will be handed out to the best richest hottest white people in the room. Each winner will get to take home the only non-white person there, a guy called Oscar who is made of gold. But the average richest hot white people in the room don’t miss out either. They each go home with a gift bag valued more than the GDP of Zimbabwe at 165 thousand dollars.

The event will be televised to the rest of the world to remind the remaining 6, 999, 999, 100 of us, how poor, ugly and non-white most of us actually are. We will be told how grateful the richest hottest white people in the world are for their status, but not so much to us but to God. It is believed that God made the hot rich white people out of his own flesh and blood, but put the remainder down a poker machine at Penrith Panthers, allowing the rest of us to lead miserable dull lives.

It is not easy though, for the rich hot white people. Many demands are made on them during the course of the night. Every so often a poor person will be made to keep the rich hot white person’s chair warm, while the rich hot white person does something poor like attend the toilet.

Following the conference, the hot rich white people will be made to attend numerous parties where they will be forced to drink thousands of dollars worth of champagne made by French elves. Many will battle on, changing one $200,000 outfit for another. Some will force whole coca leaves up their nostrils just to keep going. They will again be forced to engage with people holding microphones eager to find out what the secret is to being a rich white hot person. God will yet again be mentioned in response.

God and Meryl Streep are the two most thanked people each year at the Hot Rich White conference but only Ms. Streep has ever bothered to show up. ‘We think it’s because God’s never been nominated for anything,’ said one hot rich white person. ‘We thought he might have gotten a nomination for EXODUS: GODS AND KINGS, but to be honest you barely saw him. He can’t expect to get a nomination for that.’

The Hot Rich White conference airs later today on all good stations for poor ugly people.

John Cahill

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