Everyone knows the budget is the most important federal document to ever be entrusted in Joe Hockey’s meaty paw. Class warfare is a zero sum game and the budget determines whether you arm yourself for revolution or tell a bunch of whiners to “just work harder”.
But you’re an idiot. You were too busy downing cans of Woodstock and listening to Ben Lee’s Awake Is The New Sleep when you should have been reading about the difference between the deficit and the debt. Now you’re wondering about how last night’s budget will affect your ugly family and you’re just sitting there, expecting a newspaper to explain the budget to you?
Well just your luck! The (un)Australian has put together this handy guide to the winners and losers of the 2015 budget so you can remain informed on just how much your ugly children will have to rely on their looks in the future economic climate.
Loser – Working Mothers: Under the system the Abbott government took to the election, new mothers would be able to access both their private parental leave and the federal government’s Paid Parental Leave scheme. This has now been reversed, with new mothers only being able to access the gap between their private parental leave and the federal government’s PPL, expected to save the government $1 billion.
What does this mean for my ugly family?: Your ugly wife will now be entitled to less paid parental leave after giving birth to your ugly child.
Winner – Working Mothers: The government has earmarked $3.5 billion in childcare subsidies over 5 years. The subsidies will simplify the current system, replacing several other benefits. A working family earning under $65,000 a year will be entitled 85% of their fee subsidised.
What does this mean for my ugly family?: Your ugly wife, who will have to return to work earlier, will get to pawn off your ugly children on someone who has a certificate III from TAFE.
Loser – Big Families: The government is cutting the Family Tax Benefit A large family supplement, so families lose $321 for their 4th and every subsequent child. The Abbott government is expected to justify this by pointing out there’s economies of scale in shoving more than one kid in the broom closet as a makeshift bedroom. The cuts are expect to save the government $177.3 million.
What does this mean for my ugly family?: At any point when you have more than 3 ugly kids, you’ll need to sell the ugliest one to Mr Pennyworth, to work in his salt mines.
Winner – War: A $750 million funding increase will be made to Afghanistan, Iraq and other parts of the Middle East. $403 million has been laid out over four years for Australia’s contributions to fighting death cults in all their forms. Currently, it only takes the form of ISIS.
What does this mean for my ugly family?: Your ugly children, ugly grandchildren and ugly great-grandchildren will be very well funded when they’re fighting for our freedoms in the Middle East for perpetuity.
Loser – Foreigners: Aid to Indonesia has fallen from $605.3 million to $366.4 million in a move that should see Bali 9 duo Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran brought back to life. Earthquake ravaged Nepal will lose $7.8 million. Aid to Africa will be cut by 70%. All in total, the Foreign Aid budget will be cut by $1 billion, expected to save the government $1 billion.
What does this mean for my ugly family?: The people affected aren’t Australian so your ugly family doesn’t care. The real ugliness is your jingoistic narcissism.
Winner – National Security: There will be a $450 million boost to national security. Of that, $131 million will be used to make it easier for telecommunications companies to give away your data, and $22 million will be used to post memes making fun of ISIS.
What does this mean for my ugly family?: The government will know when and to whom you emailed photos of your ugly family, but not how ugly your family is. Your ugly father won’t be trapped in a cafe with a crazed gun man… DON’T QUESTION THAT LOGIC!
Loser – Budget Surplus: Jumpin’ Joe famously promised ‘‘we will achieve a surplus in our first year in office and we will achieve a surplus for every year of our first term.’’ The budget is now predicted to be in surplus during 2019-20, so Hockey won’t be returning the country to surplus, but treasurer of whichever government wins the next election might.
What does this mean for my ugly family?: Your ugly kids will be putting you in your (closed) coffin before the country ever returns to surplus.
Winner – The (un)Australian: Separating complex economic decisions into the categories of “winners” and “losers” is much less time consuming than proper analysis. And the fact that you can check to see which you belong too is such an easy gimmick that guarantees ugly mugs like yourself will give us the hits our website craves. Of course, best of all, other news providers like ABC, Sydney Morning Herald, Australian Financial Review, The Conversation, Buzzfeed, News.com.au, New Daily, INTHEBLACK, the Australian, Herald Sun, Courier Mail, the Guardian, Daily Telegraph and the Age would never do something so cynical.
What does this mean for my ugly family?: Your ugly family should just shut up and not question the narrative the media is selling them.
Winner – Your Ugly Family: The measure of a family is not by how attractive it is, luckily enough for you, but by the love that bonds the family together. Even though your ugly family should be chained and forced to perform in a traveling freak circus, you’re a lucky person (who is just so G-d damn ugly).
Matthew Farthing is the political reporter for The (un)Australian. He’ll make sure Anthony Albanese will be well sorted for E when DJ Shadow Minister For Infrastructure spins his decks at the Bella Union next Monday.