Abbott Refuses To Rule Out Allowing People The Right To Marry Coal

abbott bishop

Fresh off the back of leading the Coalition away from a conscience, Prime Minister Tony Abbott has refused to rule out people’s right to be able to marry a lump of coal.

In a press conference after yesterday’s Coalition party room marathon meeting that ran so long Christopher Pyne had to go to bed without being read a bedtime story, the Prime Minister balked when it came to the topic of marrying coal.

Mr Abbott said: “Look, ah, coal is good for humanity, the world’s ills can be cured by coal. Now marriage equality won’t stop climate change, I mean all those, I guess we can say extravagant weddings, aren’t going to help India are they?”

When approached for comment, staunch anti-marriage equality advocate Fred Nile gave The (un)Australian his thoughts on marrying Coal, saying: “Nat King Cole was a wonderful singer I have no problem with him marrying at all.”

The Coalition will go to the next election with plans to hold a plebiscite on marriage equality. The question of being able to marry a lump of coal is expected to be passed within days after another of the PM’s famous ‘captain’s calls.’

Mark Williamson
www.twitter.com/MW__Oh

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