God has confirmed that Cardinal George Pell is going to receive a miracle cure for the medical condition that prevents him from flying, but only after the Royal Commission into child abuse is completed.
“Friends and colleagues of Cardinal Pell will be heartened to know that I fully intend to miraculously restore his ability to fly long distances,” said the almighty and omnipresent deity. “But with Oscar season coming up I have a huge backlog of miracles to get through so unfortunately I won’t be able to bestow flight worthy health upon George until probably the day after the enquiry finishes.”
“Frankly its already been a complete miracle that so many other people aged 70 or over have survived long distance international flights since the invention of the airplane,” said a grateful Cardinal Pell after learning that the miracle is on its way. “Apparently all I need to do is take a bath at Lourdes and I’ll be zipping around the world again in no time, but coincidentally not until the day after the Royal Commission stops taking testimony.”
Cardinal Pell has also offered to give the Anglican Diocese of Brisbane advice on how to provide sanctuary to asylum seekers who don’t want to be sent back to Nauru.
“We’ve been providing a safe haven to kiddy fiddlers for decades now so the C of E should talk to me if they want to find out how to protect people from the authorities,” said Cardinal Pell. “We’re the experts at quietly shifting slightly suss people around the country.”