After the shocking revelations in Monday’s Four Corners report into the horrific torture of largely Indigenous youths in the Northern Territory’s Don Dale Detention Centre, a red-faced Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull immediately announced a new Royal Commission, noting: “We just seem to have lost the recommendations made by the last inquiry into the abuse of Aboriginal people in the justice system.”
It has been a mystery that has baffled observers for over two decades. The Royal Commission into Black Deaths In Custody was launched almost 30 years ago in 1987 and was completed in 1991 with 339 recommendations — which were all promptly ignored.
The embarrassed Prime Minister acknowledged that had its recommendations, such as the suggestion that solitary confinement not be used on Aboriginal prisoners, been acted on, then some of the abuses Four Corners exposed could have been avoided.
But the PM insisted: “Obviously we are all very sorry about this, but after the last Royal Commission made its recommendations, they all just got lost in the mess that is Canberra!
“And no wonder things get lost in this godforsaken place, have you tried actually driving through this city? I mean obviously I haven’t, I have people to do that for me, but they assure me the roundabouts are very confusing.”
The (un)Australian asked Mr Turnbull if the Geneva Conventions, which ban the types of torture seen in the Four Corners expose, were not enough to actually stop the abuses seeing as Australia had signed up to in 1958, but the PM merely slapped his forehead and shouted: “That’s what they are called! The Geneva Conventions! God we’ve been wracking our brains!
“Honestly, I called ol’ [NT chief minister Adam] Giles and he didn’t know anything about them and then I called [Indigenous affairs minister Nigel] Scullion and he just said he’d heard of some anti-torture conventions but it hadn’t really piqued his interest.
“Well, it’s pretty clear that we need a new Royal Commission into all of our terrible memories and filing system! LOL!”