Malcolm Roberts has used his maiden speech in parliament to courageously chide the United Nations as unelected swill, gaining massive approval from the 0.00000321 per cent of the Australian population which placed him number one on their ballot papers.
“The Australian people doesn’t pay me $195,000 a year to sit on my arse and ignore the way the UN is suckling mightily off the public teat,” said the One Nation representative from Queensland after finishing his speech. “I’m off to search for the location of the secret reptillian bathrooms which I know are in here somewhere.”
“My swill which was recently voted by pig farmers as the tastiest in the land would do a much better job then the UN,” said Mackay swill manufacturer Jason Trotter. “The rest of the UN agrees. Polling shows a bucket of corn husks and potato scraps as the preferred candidate for Secretary General over Kevin Rudd.”
Australian Electoral Commission investigators looking into how Roberts managed to get 77 votes have uncovered 76 different hats and false moustaches in a drawer at his granny flat.
“That science guy on Q and A tried to get smart with all his graphs showing how the earth is warming up, but look what happens when you hold the graphs upside down,” said Roberts as he prepared to drop two helium filled balloons from the top of the Telstra Tower on Black Mountain to prove that gravity is a myth. “The world is cooling if you hold it my way. Answer me that one science guy?”