Census Fail Leaves Australia With No Clue Of Jedi Population

black storm trooper

The Australian Bureau of Statistics has admitted that the debacle over the 2016 Census has left frustrated infrastructure planners with no idea how many Jedi Knights there are in the country.

“Census data is vital in determining how the nation’s resources are allocated and due to the shemozzle that was this year’s effort we just have to guess how many bogs will need to be constructed to house future Yodas,” said ABS chief statistician Xavier Sigma. “More realistically, counting the numbers of Jedi also helps us determine how many granny flats to build for unfit single blokes to live in.”

“It’s hardly worth my while investing my money in building a death star if Australia only has about five Jedi,” said businessman Garth Vader. “On the other hand if there’s 100,000 of the pricks then I can start construction tomorrow and create about 5000 jobs.”

Christopher Pyne has already lured the $50 billion death star project to Adelaide in a joint venture between the Department of Defence and The Empire.

“It’s simply not true that the death star could have been built much cheaper in secret somewhere on the other side of Pluto and then hyperspaced over here,” said Mr Pyne. “We don’t need a census to know how many Jedis there are, because I can sense their presence in The Force. And we keep track of sales of 2XL tracky dacks.”

The good news about this year’s census is that only ten collectors were eaten with chianti and fava beans by psychopaths, the lowest since statistics on census taker deaths were first counted in 1935.

Peter Green

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