The US people head for the polls on Tuesday faced with the difficult responsibility of deciding how they want their country to fall screaming into hopeless oblivion.
“The nation must choose wisely between wretched despair and calamitous dissolution,” said President Obama as he tidied up the White House in anticipation of the bond inspection. “One candidate offers a post apocalyptic dystopia with a complete breakdown of society whilst the other promises a fascistic hellhole ruled by tyranny. Voters should weigh up the pros and cons of each side carefully before making a decision.”
“I’m all for a burning wasteland populated by zombies and what have you,” said Iowa voter Leroy Clodde. “I can see myself prospering in the environment promised by Donald Trump where thousands of haggard vagrants wrestle ferociously over a loaf of stale bread. On the other hand, Hillary’s vampire ruled republic of eternal darkness holds no interest for me whatsoever.”
While third party candidates are trying to get their own vision of how America should slide into anarchy onto the agenda, realistically the leadership of the free world boils down to a two horse race.
“You get 46 choices of ice cream flavour but only two viable choices for President in this whole woebegone country,” said Arkansas undecided Gladys Wallmartin. “I’m going to have a good browse of Twitter before deciding which handbasket this great nation is going to pop itself into for the journey to hell.”