Malcolm Turnbull has called surprise US election winner Donald Trump to congratulate him on his victory and to assure him that comments he made earlier in the campaign where he described Trump as a “massive boofhead” and “thicker than pig’s cack after a night on the Guinness” were intended in jest.
“I wanted to let Donald know that the Australian sense of humour evolves around joshing your mates and that when I described him as ‘not knowing his poophole from his funny bone’ it was a meant as a gesture of the utmost respect and admiration,” said a white and shaking Turnbull after getting off the phone to New York. “We all might have said a few silly things in the lead up to the election when we thought Mr Trump had stuff all chances of winning and getting his stubby little fingers onto the nuclear codes and I was quick to allay any fears that Australia’s position of ‘toady in chief’ to the USA was in any way under threat. We’ll stand 100% behind whatever outright loony plans he may have in the foreign policy department.”
Bill Shorten is nursing a hangover and desperately searching through his texts from the previous 24 hours in case he sent anything to Mr Trump that he may later regret.
“I got up and said what in parliament?” said a seedy looking and bleary eyed opposition leader. “I really hope it’s something I can backtrack on at a rate of knots. I know I only have a snowball’s chance in a pizza oven of ever becoming Prime Minister but Donald Trump looks like the sort of bloke who’d ambush you behind the dunnies at a G20 conference and beat the snot out of you. I’m cactus aren’t I?”
Former Prime Minister Paul Keating described Donald Trump as a “festering chuckle clown with pus for brains” in a statement yesterday. These comments were ranked as the nicest thing Mr Keating has ever had to say about another world leader.