Police have sent a message to the mobile phones of all prospective candidates of Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party advising them to run as fast as they can away from the Queensland senator, to hide their cars from Rod Culleton and to tell James Ashby to get stuffed if he tries to sell them a package of dodgy campaign material.
“We’ve started this new system where as soon as Pauline opens her big gob about anything we text a warning to the phones of every well meaning dimbulb in the country,” said AFP anti-bollocks expert Terry Facepalm. “The only person we haven’t managed to get through to is Malcolm Roberts because he’s wrapped his mobile in aluminium foil to stop the CIA from reading his messages.”
“I was utterly devastated by the events earlier in the week,” said Ms Hanson. “You know, when that hijacker turned out to be just a mentally ill person and the thing in Manilla was just some criminal trying to rob a casino. But I’m over the moon to hear that London is under attack from fair dinkum terrorists. It’s totally rescued my week.”
The Australian Government has raised the Pauline Hanson Self Satisfaction Alert status from yellow to red after the One Nation leader was observed skipping down the street picking flowers and hugging random strangers.