This summer’s Ashes tour is under threat after the Barmy Army pulled out of its contract with Cricket Australia demanding higher alcohol content in its beer and shorter hours of sunlight.
“We want full strength beer, longer beer snakes and less Germans in the backpacker hostels,” said Barmy Army spokesperson Andy Scuttle. “If CA doesn’t come to the party the stands at the G will be eerily quiet without the sound of our obnoxious singing and the sizzle of our skin frying in the sun.”
“Our primary objection is the clause in the new contract which states that we must take a bath at least once a week,” said Clare Chipshop from the English Cricket Supporters Association. “We’re also not happy with the requirement that we must stay sober until at least the end of the first over of the day’s play.”
The Barmy Army delivered its demands to Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland via a chant of “More Beer, Less Sun” repeated over and over to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”.
“We’ll deal with this dispute right after we finish working out our contract with Billy Birmingham,” said a harried looking Sutherland. “Hopefully the only boycott at the cricket this summer will be that dismal twat Geoff Boycott from Yorkshire.”
It is believed the writer of the 12th Man albums had refused to sign on the dotted line until he had assurances that both Joe Root and Quinton De Kock would be certain to tour Australia over the next two seasons.