This summer’s Ashes tour will go ahead after Cricket Australia found replacements for striking cricket players, including a couple of shop dummies from Best & Less to fill in for Shaun and Mitchell Marsh.
“The shop dummies don’t react to the line or pace of the ball and can’t pick spin, so they slot into the team perfectly,” said Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland. “In fact, as they’re less inclined to chase swinging balls outside of off stump, the one replacing Shaun Marsh has actually improved his batting average.”
The (un)Australian has obtained exclusive footage of Cricket Australia training a non unionised workforce on a wharf in Dubai, protected by security staff with guard dogs.
“Teaching us to play cricket better than the current test side was the easy part,” said one of the scabs who only gave his name as “Shane”. “The hard part was learning how to sink more than 50 tinnies on an international flight. They had to fly Boonie out to show us how it’s done.”
“Shane” revealed that he was lured into training for the team with the promise of a free mobile phone and lots of exposure on television.