The dispute between Cricket Australia and the Australian Cricketers Association has ended with no result after five days of grueling negotiations, much to the satisfaction of the game’s purists.
“After five long days of passionate effort from both sides we can happily report we have achieved the result that all cricket fans love, a draw,” said Australian vice captain David Warner. “We spent a tense last two hours of negotiations with the whole team huddled around James Sutherland hoping to make a breakthrough but he managed to block every delivery.”
“I’m glad that’s over because we were starting to run out of cricketing terms to slip into cute headlines,” said exhausted News Corp cricket writer Randall Snicko. “It’s a very confusing time for us as an organisation because whilst we love nothing more than Aussie Sporting Heroes we also regard anyone taking industrial action as Emissaries of Satan, so we have had a bastard of a time knowing whose side to take.”
Former player Shane Warne has offered to step in and take part in a scandal if the dispute lingers on into the summer and the contracted players are unable to participate in a scandal themselves.
“If you need some high profile cricketer to get caught romping in a hotel room with some dolly birds or doing a stupid dance with a stump held over their head, I’m just a phone call away,” said Warne in a late night text to the cricket board. “I’m still more than capable of getting on the piss with Andrew Symonds the night before a test match if my country needs me.”