Viewers of the National Crab Soccer League are being constantly reminded to always use heroin responsibly after the league completed a multi million dollar sponsorship deal with Australia’s largest heroin dealer.
“And don’t forget, always shoot up in a responsible manner in a properly supervised injecting room,” said veteran crab soccer commentator Greg Cosell seconds after extolling the virtues of the “premium horse” being offered for sale by “Doggo” in the car park of the North Penshurst Tavern.
“I think it’s unfair that the majority of responsible heroin users who have a harmless little flutter with the gear on a Saturday night should be lumped in with the problem users,” said Crab Soccer Australia CEO Brett Burroughs when asked to defend the sponsorship deal. “Anyway, if heroin is so unhealthy then how come fifty percent of tracky dack sales in this country are to long term heroin users.”
“I plough most of my profits back into sponsoring crab soccer at the grassroots level,” said heroin dealer Mick “Doggo” Watson. “Every Saturday morning my local under sixes side “Doggo’s Skagheads” runs around in the junior competition thanks to money earned from good honest hammer dealing.”
“What sort of message are we sending to our kids about heroin when the matches featuring their heroes are interrupted every five minutes with updates on the latest prices per gram,” said anti heroin campaigner and insufferable goody goody Janine Starkey. “All my two sons talk about at half time is how much “Simmo” from the alley out the back of the shops is selling Laotion Gold for and never to trust “Dicko’s” prices because he cuts it with gyprock dust.”
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