Officials from the Australian Commonwealth Games team have confirmed that 25 athletes from Melbourne have gone missing from the games village and are believed to be seeking asylum on the Gold Coast.
“Please don’t send me back home, I can’t face another winter of cold blowy weather,” said shot putter Perce Bluestone from a secret hiding place somewhere in Surfers Paradise. “The baristas here all serve you with a smile and don’t give a hoot if you want to put a couple of spoonfuls of sugar in with your flat white.”
“I came up here once before for schoolies but we were kept securely behind a chain link fence and there was no hope of escape,” said netballer Faye Hookturn. “For the first time in my life my vitamin D levels are up within the normal range. You have no idea how liberating it feels to not have to go around pretending to like indie bands and squishy wine bars.”
Queensland immigration officials say that although the missing athletes may find sanctuary within the expatriate Victorian community it should be relatively easy to find them again.
“We’ll be on the lookout for sunbathers with tell tale red burn marks on their skin,” said Queensland Border Forcer agent Beryl Lamington. “Anyone under the age of 75 who expresses interest in the AFL scores or uses the word “grouse” should be viewed with suspicion and reported immediately.”
You can check out our new show Decennium Horribilius at this year’s Sydney Comedy Festival. Hosted by The (un)Australian, the quiz show features teams of some of Sydney’s best comics trying to answer questions about the decade of the 1990s — with prizes for the audience.
Saturday May 5, 5.30pm. The Factory Theatre. Book tickets here.