A deceased Commonwealth Bank customer has told the banking royal commission he’s made millions of dollars in the afterlife by following the advice of his financial planner from beyond the grave.
“Since I arrived in Heaven I’ve built up an investment portfolio that includes twelve blocks of clouds”, said Commbank customer Ralph Snurkle during a seance. “My financial planner got on the ouija board and suggested I buy some shares in a harp and halo making company and I’ve never looked back.”
“Our motto is ‘You Can Take It With You’ and we advise our clients accordingly,” said financial planner Carly St Grubbins. “Eternity is a very long time and we want our clients to have a comfortable existence in the afterlife, and not have to return to earth to haunt a creepy old house to make a living.”
The commission also heard how the Commonwealth Bank now offers financial advice to unborn babies.
“There’s plenty of advice we can give a customer more than ten years before they are born,” confirmed St Grubbins. “Several of our newborns have emerged from the womb already worth millions via careful investment in the placenta futures market.”
You can check out our new show Decennium Horribilius at this year’s Sydney Comedy Festival. Hosted by The (un)Australian, the quiz show features teams of some of Sydney’s best comics trying to answer questions about the decade of the 1990s — with prizes for the audience.
Saturday May 5, 5.30pm. The Factory Theatre. Book tickets here.