Column: Alan Jones’ Guide To Being A Cook

Having hired Mark Latham our culinary columnist,  then fired him that afternoon, The (un)Australian has found his replacement in Latham’s just published cookbook co-author and friend, radio broadcaster Alan Jones.

Even though I am a very busy man and a very important person, I know the value of sitting down to a good home cooked meal. Over the years I have picked up many recipes and I enjoy nothing more than sitting back in the kitchen and bellowing instructions to my butler on how to cook them.

For the readers today I am going to teach you how to cook a dish that I came up with called ‘a Non-halal Snack Pack’. It is not to be confused with an ‘Halal Snack Pack’. That is an abomination that I think we can all agree has caused nothing but trouble for the people of Australia.

The first step in the cooking process is to have your butler fetch you a glass of wine, I usually start out with a nice fruity Shiraz. It is important that once you pick a wine you stick with it. As the meal is red meat it is imperative to stick with a red wine. Save the white wine for white meat, like for instance when you are having a former premier over for a dish of crow.

Once the wine is sorted, then tell butler to make you a non-halal snack pack. This usually takes butler around 20 minutes, or a glass and a half of Shiraz.

I recommend serving your non-halal snack pack on a Royal Doulton dinner set and it is best eaten with a pewter knife and fork. Gold plated cutlery diminish the flavour somewhat.

So there you have it a simple meal that your butler can whip up in a short amount of time.  Join me next week when I give you my guide to deserts, everything from spotted dick to sticky date.

You can check out our new show Decennium Horribilius at this year’s Sydney Comedy Festival. Hosted by The (un)Australian, the quiz show features teams of some of Sydney’s best comics trying to answer questions about the decade of the 1990s — with prizes for the audience.

Saturday May 5, 5.30pm. The Factory Theatre. Book tickets here.

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