Planning NSW and Australia’s biggest property developers have announced their new plan for Sydney, with a motif based upon the thriving mining metropolises of the Siberian tundra.
“The look we’re going for is one we call Novosibirsk with ibises,” said Kyle Woodstain, the Minister For Packing People In Like Pringles Chips In A Can. “I don’t normally have much time for the godless communists but you’ve got to hand it to them when it came to creating joyless windswept communities filled with juvenile delinquents and roving gangs of feral cats.”
“We’ve deliberately designed Sydney in a way that will create thousands of jobs,” said the planning consultant Philippa Corinthian. “Admittedly most of these jobs will involve scraping red smears off the sides of buildings that used to be pedestrians before random gusts of wind picked them up and slammed them into the walls.”
Fresh from a fact finding tour of Omsk, Krasnoyarsk and Norilsk, the town planners raved about the possibilities of bulldozing all residences that contain a grain of charm and replacing them with barren courtyards, cheerless roundabouts and gardens full of spiky leaved shrubbery.
“Sydney has a space problem and one way to solve that is to deprive children of sunlight so they grow up smaller,” said property developer Hamish Espieff. “Look, have you ever seen an unhappy sardine? No, me either.”