Despite being Boris Johnson, Boris Johnson has scaled to great heights that would be impossible for any human being who was Boris Johnson minus all the bits of Boris Johnson involving extreme, unearned privilege.
Despite being an empty vessel of an alleged man, committed to nothing but his own planet-sized ego, a byword for stupidity, venality and bigotry, Boris Johnson has somehow become leader of Great Britain, overcoming the seemingly insurmountable obstacle of being Boris Johnson.
And that’s not all. In a stunning display of just how far an elite education and close contacts among the ruling class can get you, Boris Johnson is well on course to become the first man in history to oversee the complete destruction of Great Britain as a unified nation state and any sort of world power.
“It is quite amazing really when you think of it,” Professor James Smart, from Cambridge University’s politics department, told The (un)Australian. “When you think of how many have sought to bring Great Britain to its knees, from the Spanish Armada to Hitler’s Luftwaffe to generations of drunk Australian backpackers. And now it’s going to be reduced to rubble by some opportunist rich twat who won’t brush his hair saying ‘Brexit means Brexit’ on a broken loop.”
In response, the Oxford-educated Mr Johnson said: “Ha ha well what do you expect from one of those Cambridge bumboys eh? We smashed them in the rowing! Bet he’s one of those picaninnies from Bongo Bongo Land, Cambridge lets anyone in these days.”
“Anyway,” Mr Johnson said before rushing off to try to shut down the elected parliament, “Brexit means Brexit, it’s the will of the people, let’s get it done.”