Peter Dutton has vowed to never again show any signs of humanity after his last slip up led to Australia being overrun by boatloads of empowered au pairs.
“Our streets are infested with dreadlock haired German hippie girls taking babies for walks in strollers and tattooed Polish girls with nose rings hauling bags of washing back from the dry cleaners and it’s all my fault for foolishly showing a smidge of compassion,” murmured the contrite Home Affairs Minister as he knocked a nest of Swedish au pairs out of a tree with a long stick. “That’s it for me, no more Mr Nice Guy. You try to be a nice guy and all it does is clog up the lines at the birthday cake counter at David Jones with Austrian girls with John Lennon glasses. I’ve had a gutful.”
Dutton’s new hard line on au pairs has led to protests from thousands of working professional couples who’ve been forced to spend time interacting with their own kids.
“Danke from Denmark was whisked away to Christmas Island in the middle of the night, leaving Angus and me having to change Oscar’s soiled Kimbies ourselves,” lamented horrified Edgecliff mother Emily Porsche. “It’s only when you put a human face on the victims, namely my own, that you realise that something must be done.”
The Porsche family are one of the lucky ones, having hurriedly found an unemployed Chinese gambling gangster to step in and take over the au pair duties.