Winemakers from the Goon region of South Australia are today celebrating after international trademark laws were changed to allow only cask wine from the region to be labelled as “Goon”.
“If you want to release a “Goon” style cask wine from grapes not grown in the Goon Valley it must now be labelled as “sickly tasting cheap piss easily carted from party to party by swaying teenagers”,” said Charles Chunder, president of the Goon Winegrowers Board. “We’ve spent many years building up the reputation of our product and we want kids who are pooling their pocket money to buy a 4 litre cask to feel confident they are getting an adult to buy them the real thing.”
“As long as it gets me shitfaced I don’t care what they call it,” said renowned goon connoisseur James “Simmo” Simpson. “As long as it tastes roughly the same going back out as it does going in I’ll still drink it.”
Wines with the Goon label are now likely to attract a premium price of about 50 cents extra for a 4 litre cask, provided they contain the minimum requirement of 14% methylated spirits.
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It is pleasing to see the Goon region getting recognition outside South Australia. It’s an arid, hot, flat and dusty plain irrigated by effluent from them nearby sewerage plant. The town of Dunt (made famous by Chris Lilley) lies at its heart.
In the 1860s Henry Kingsley wrote that the area was a “hideous anomaly, a blot on the face of Nature, the sort of place one gets into in bad dreams”.