Man Wants To Know When He Can Go Back To Not Washing His Hands

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Scouring news reports for details of what restrictions are being lifted where and when, Brad Murray has just one question: when can he go back to never really bothering to wash his hands?

While many have had their lives turned upside down in recent months, the 33-year-old single IT worker’s lifestyle has barely changed. Except in one important area.

“I’m one of the lucky ones, really,” Murray told The (un)Australian. “With more tech illiterate people trying to set up workstations in their bedrooms than ever before, my job is safe. I already worked from home and have no social life, so I was looking for what I could do, in my own life, to help combat this terrible virus.”

When he heard a government ad advising people to wash their hands, he realised he’d found his niche. “I was like, sure, I don’t really bother with much more than an occasional rinse with a bit of water, and then only if I’m a public toilet and others can see me, but this thing means we all have to make sacrifices.”

But while Mr Murray says he has been more than happy to make the change, he’s keen to know when he will be allowed to stop.

“We all have to do our bit at this difficult time,” Mr Murray said. “But spending at least 20 seconds thoroughly washing my hands every time I go to the bathroom? That’s seriously cutting in to my FIFA 2020 game time.

“Everyone is talking about going back to work or when pubs will reopen, but all I really want to know is at what stage of the restrictions easing do I get to go back to just flicking my hands vaguely at some water for half a second after I take a piss?”

Carlo Sands

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Categories: Science

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