Melbourne Voted Most Wankable City

Two wankers in a Melbourne coffee shop.

‘Melbourne is totes sweet and wankable!’

The capital of Victoria, Melbourne a city once described by comedian Jerry Seinfeld as “the Anus of the World”, has today been voted the World’s most wankable city in a poll conducted by the popular blog It defeated last year’s winner, the American city Portland, Oregon.

The win is front page news in Melbourne with Melburnians taking time out from their usual tweeting about coffee, to brag of the title.

Barista and beat poet @BeardedBeatBard tweeted: “Melbs is totes sweet and wankable! #SuckItSydney”

Legal secretary and owner of the online selling preserve company, @LegalJamGirl tweeted: “Ah Melbournia my one and only lover #ImSoLonely”

News of Melbourne being named most wankable city has barely rated a mention in other Australian cities. When asked for comment, the NSW Premier said: “That title should distract them while we take the Grand Priz off them. Most wankable city? We’re the state with all the nude beaches.”

When asked for further comment on what makes Melbourne so wankable, @BeardedBeatBard told The (un)Australian over the telephone: “Melbourne is a lover, it’s majestic and mysterious, it’s a one shot, half foam, decaf mocha latte with a sprig of cinnamon. It’s trams and taxis, it’s, excuse me for a second all this coffee, tram and Melbourne talk has got me hard, I’ll be back shortly.”

Mark Williamson


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