“Oh Christ, please, not again,” a mortified Australia said after Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s cringe-worthy statement that coal was “good for humanity” was followed at the G20 by treasurer Joe Hockey’s insistence that climate change posed no threat to economic growth.
“It is just so embarrassing,” the visibly blushing nation said. “I mean, sure as a major coal exporter, we play an essential role in the entire fossil-fuel industrial complex that is rapidly destroying the planet’s capacity to sustain human civilisation, but do we have to be so loud about it?
“Like when Abbott talks on a world stage about how all he really wants to do is destroy universal health care, thus screwing the poor while cutting taxes for the rich in a new phase of his brutal ideologically driven class war to smash the hard-won social gains of the past century, and you just think ‘shut up, you dork!’”
Australia also expressed strong discomfit over Abbott’s widely mocked statement that only bush existed before white settlement in 1788, pointing out: “Everyone knows the proper etiquette in relation to ongoing genocide is to acknowledge that some past wrongs were committed, offer platitudes about the ‘ongoing contribution of our First Peoples to our nation’ and then let mining companies dump radioactive waste on Aboriginal lands.”
“Abbott’s statement was just plain uncouth.”
Australia said it might have to spend the remainder of Abbott’s term in office pretending to be New Zealand on the grounds that no one has slightest clue whatever the hell it is New Zealand gets up to.