Nick Kyrgios To Be Appointed Australian Cricket Team’s Vice-Captain In Bid To Boost Sledging Stocks


Australian tennis star and sledger extraordinaire Nick Kyrgios was today announced as the Australian cricket team’s new vice-captain, following the leadership shake up caused by Michael Clarke’s retirement.

A Cricket Australia spokesperson told The (un)Australian: “After Clarkie’s retirement, we needed to shake things up. Our new captain Steve Smith is a marketing dream, but we needed someone behind him that could bring some fire.”

The spokesperson said they had thought of Dave Warner,  “but let’s face facts, it’s only a matter of time before he punches someone again so we thought why not Nick?”

Kyrgios’ appointment comes on the back of his tremendous effort in the art of sledging or “mental disintegration” as Steve “Tugga” Waugh called it. Kyrgios recently won a game against top ranked player Stan Wawrinka with the sledge alleging another player had slept with Wawrinka’s girlfriend.

Former Australian test captain Ian Chappell applauded the move, saying: “For too long, this side has been too wishy washy, all shaking hands and applauding opponents. Now with Nick, we bring in an edge, someone who can sit at slip and just mouth off all day. It’s great for the game.”

When asked about whether Kyrgios being a tennis player and not a cricketer would have any implications, Chappell replied: “Of course not, no need to pick skilled cricketers to play the game. I mean my brother Trevor got many a game and he could only bowl underarm.”

Mark Williamson

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