A team of professional zombie hunters has been hired to stand guard over parliament house in Canberra after several eyewitnesses reported sighting the decaying corpse of former PM Tony Abbott shuffling around the building.
“I was scrubbing dried up spit from the floor of Cory Benardi’s office late at night when I suddenly became aware of the stench of raw onion,” said parliament house cleaner Beryl Mopbucket. “I stepped out into the corridor and there was Tony Abbott, caked in dirt and with a worm crawling through one of his eye sockets. He lurched past me and began clawing at the door to Julie Bishop’s office.”
“It’s not unusual for confused zombies to return to familiar surroundings hoping to resume their former lives after coming back from the grave,” said zombie hunter George Romero. “We usually recommend that people arm themselves with a shotgun and aim for the brain but in this case the target may be too small.”
Tony Abbott is not the first zombie to haunt Canberra. A re-animated Kevin Rudd plagued parliament house for several years before cornering Julia Gillard in the caucus room and devouring her brain. There have been unconfirmed reports of the undead Rudd staggering around the United Nations headquarters feasting on unwary victims.
“There’s just something about the soil in Canberra that revitalises cadavers,” said zombie scientist Val Lewton. “John Howard refused to lie down and accept his own death and he ended up running the country for eleven years. But realistically there’s nothing about the zombie Tony Abbott that couldn’t be solved with a good whack to the head with a shovel. Actually, there’s no reason the living Tony Abbott couldn’t have been dealt the same way.”